Uproarious Nations

I don't know if it is because it is tucked in behind Psalm 1, which gets so much attention, or if it is because of all the insanity going on throughout the world today that made it seem new, but I don't ever remember paying much attention to the 2nd Psalm.

Why are the nations in an uproar and the peoples devising a vain thing?

But I read that sentence and I had to stop and ask...why are the nations in an uproar? Iraq, Israel, Syria, Egypt, Russia, Ukraine, Iran, North Korea...and just when you think one of them is about to calm down, another area moves to take its place.

But it isn't just the places with active conflict, even in the more "western" nations where we think of things being relatively calm, there is a steady stream of vanity. I am not referring to excessive self-absorption or egotism, although there is plenty of that. I mean the constant stream of worthless and meaningless actions, trying to make ourselves feel good instead of simply doing what is good.

The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers take counsel together against the Lord and against His Anointed, saying, "Let us tear their fetters apart and cast away their cords from us!"

While I know that the specific reference to the Anointed here is Christ, the Messiah (and I am not trying to make this say something it isn't), in light of all that is happening today, my brain jumped to Israel when I read this...so many nations of the world conspiring together against one people. Or even in other places, Christians and the Christian ideals that have governed our lives for so long. "If only we can tear away and destroy these antiquated and restrictive laws and mores, then we will truly be free, then we can live as we want." But, in reality, when you attack the Lord's anointed, are you not also attacking the Anointed?

He who sits in the heavens laughs, the Lord scoffs at them. Then He will speak to them in His anger and terrify them in His fury, saying,

Like a parent who may silently chuckle at a child futilely trying to free himself from the protective boundaries placed around him, until he reaches that point where damage may be done.

"But as for Me, I have installed My King upon Zion, My holy mountain."

My many misplaced commas aside, this is why I love grammar...you can change the entire meaning of statement simply with the tense of verb that you choose.

Not, "I had installed"...I put Him there, but He's not there any longer.
Not, "I will install"...at some random point in the future, He'll show up.
But, "I have installed"...I put Him there, I gave Him this place to rule and He is still there, still in control.

"I will surely tell of the decree of the Lord: He said to Me, 'You are My Son, today I have begotten You. Ask of Me, and I will surely give the nations as Your inheritance, and the very ends of the earth as Your possession. You shall break them with a rod of iron, You shall shatter them like earthenware.'"

The inheritance is His to claim, in the circumstances and timing of choosing, and when He does the strivings and wars will be like children fighting their battles with twigs for weapons and their momma's good china for a shield.

Now therefore, O kings, show discernment; take warning, O judges of the earth.

Unfortunately, too many kings and judges are overwhelmed with their own sense of importance to give heed to any warning. But what about me...

Worship the Lord with reverence and rejoice with trembling.

Do I use this time to worship and rejoice...

Do homage to the Son, that He not become angry, and you perish in the way, for His wrath may soon be kindled.

Does the way I live my life pay homage to the Son, the Anointed, the King?

How blessed are all who take refuge in Him!

"I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust!" 

Before the Morning

Some of you may be familiar with this song by Josh Wilson. I've always liked it. I have a copy of it and I've listened to it frequently...but I hadn't listened to it recently.

Do you wonder why you have to,

feel the things that hurt you,

if there's a God who loves you,

where is He now?

I listened to it last night because it was requested by the 15 (all too soon will be 16) year old girl riding in my backseat. When she started singing along, I started listening to the words with fresh ears.

Maybe, there are things you can't see

and all those things are happening

to bring a better ending

some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Then I had to fight to keep from crying in front of the three girls sitting next to me. 

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

Because this 15 (all too soon will be 16) year old girl found out Wednesday that her mom has cancer. 

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

Her mom just happens to be my best friend...the closest thing to a sister I've ever had. My world has been shaken...and I'm a lot older than 15 (or even 16), let alone 7 and 9 (all too soon will be 10) like her brothers.

My friend, you know how this all ends

and you know where you're going,

you just don't know how you get there

so just say a prayer.

and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,

life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,

but you'll see the bigger picture

I'm struggling to see the bigger picture (although, my focus has definitely expanded from what I thought my troubles were). 

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

But you know who keeps reminding me of that bigger picture...my friend. The one who, of anyone, should have the right to be questioning or upset.

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

yeah, yeah,

before the morning,

yeah, yeah

We don't know where things stand right now.

Once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

memory, memory, yeah

There is pain, physical and emotional, felt by many.

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

But the one suffering the most is the one reminding us that if God is choosing to use her through this, who is she to say no.

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

Cancer will never be a cause for celebration, but God's faithfulness and glory always will. 

com'n, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the hurt before the healing

the pain you've been feeling,

just the dark before the morning

before the morning, yeah, yeah

before the morning

This is the dark...morning is coming.

Happy Grandparent's Day

It was a year ago, September 9, 2011, that my principal walked through the door of my classroom. The way she said my name I just knew...knew the day I had been dreading had finally arrived. She brought a couple of my co-workers with her and together they let me know that my Grandpa's fight was finally over. 

It is fitting that Grandparent's Day marks the one year anniversary of his death because he truly was the best Grandpa a girl could ever want.

http://meheinz.blogspot.com/2010/01/man-in-my-life.html
http://meheinz.blogspot.com/2010/02/thoughts-of-hate-on-valentines-day.html
http://meheinz.blogspot.com/2011/04/afraid-to-go-home.html
http://meheinz.blogspot.com/2011/09/pencil-box-memories.html

Not Quite Perfect

Depending on how well you know me, you may, or may not, already be aware that I am a perfectionist.

Most people equate perfectionism with its close cousin, OCD. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of those tendencies...just ask my mother. I don't know how many times I was told, "Maryann, you don't have to alphabetize the dishes, just put them in the water and wash them." She still won't let me near her spice cupboard or canned goods and she cringes every time I help put away groceries for fear I'll completely rearrange her pantry.

What most people don't recognize is the "frustrated" perfectionist, the I-don't-know-if-I-can-do-it-the-way-it's-supposed-to-be-done-so-I-won't-do-it-all side of perfectionism. I am well acquainted with these tendencies, as well. That's why I may post a picture of my freshly organized classroom from August on Facebook, but you'll never find a picture from December with the towers of paper I've been too overwhelmed to find a home for.

The problem with perfectionism is just that...you expect life to be perfect. There should be a plan or procedure in place for every problem that could possibly arise. Every difficulty should have a solution. Every obstacle an easy out. And why doesn't it work that way? Well, because...

...life's not quite perfect. In fact, sometimes, life isn't even quite good. A lot of the time, life is downright hard.

I struggle with those times. I want to sit down and map out a plan and find the best answer and expect everyone to follow along....but life doesn't work that way. In those times, when I realize my plans won't work, I have to fight my desire to give up. I have to remind myself that things don't have to be perfect to be worth having.

I have to remind myself that God doesn't call me to be perfect or to have a perfect life (in fact, thinking that is even possible undermines the awesomeness of His sacrificial grace), but He does call me to be perfectly content....

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.  I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. ~Philippians 4:11-13

...My lack of perfection should not be a source of frustration, but instead an opportunity to marvel in the all-surpassing power of God to take my brokenness and use it for His honor and glory.

Rejoice in the Lord

I can never read Job 23 without this song coming to mind...a byproduct of being raised on "Patch, the Pirate," I'm sure...so I have been expecting its appearance as I have been making my way through Job's story. 

"But He knows the way I take; when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold." ~ Job 23:10

After years of Sunday School and VBS and church camp, this verse and song are imprinted on my memory. But this morning they were given a fresh perspective. You see, I've been having a lot of conversations about trials lately...

God never moves without purpose or plan

Trials that would have me doubting God's purpose... 

When trying His servant and molding a man.

Trials that would have made me want to fight God's molding hand...

Give thanks to the LORD though your testing seems long;

Trials that would have left me more tempted to complain than to give thanks...

In darkness He giveth a song.

Trials that would have left me more focused on the darkness than a song.

I could not see through the shadows ahead;

I am grateful that God puts people in our lives...

So I looked at the cross of my Savior instead.

Who continually point us back to the cross of His Son.

I bowed to the will of the Master that day;

People who show me what a life submitted to the Master looks like.

Then peace came and tears fled away.

People more focused on the peace from above than the pain of the past.

Now I can see testing comes from above;

I am grateful for the reminder that God sends temporary trials...

God strengthens His children and purges in love.

For our permanent good.

My Father knows best, and I trust in His care;

I am grateful for the reminder that I serve a God who always has my best interest at heart...

Through purging more fruit I will bear.

Even if it is accomplished through the pain of His fire.

O Rejoice in the LORD

May I never forget to rejoice in all circumstances.

He makes no mistake,

May I always remember that when things don't go my way, God is not the one making a mistake...

He knoweth the end of each path that I take,

When I don't know what lies ahead, God does...

For when I am tried

That we are promised trials will come...

And purified,

But God will use them for our sanctification, if we allow Him to...

I shall come forth as gold

And then, finally, we will be a vessel fit for the Master's use.

An Afterward...A Prelude

When I was writing the "My Journey South" series back in August I planned to wrap up everything up soon afterward, but life had other plans...

The title of my blog is purposefully ambiguous. Some people call it "My Story" others call it "Mystery." I rarely refer to it by name so I don't have to choose. To say that my life's journey is simply "my story" is to imply that I have ultimate control over what may or may not happen. 

One of the most influential books on my young adult life was When God Writes Your Life Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy, it's premise - "For life to be fully lived, the God of the impossible must be fully trusted with the writing of the script." That's where the mystery comes in...I may not know how things are going to turn out, but God always will. This is why the song "Already There" has completely blown me away, it puts into words what I have never been able to... "When I'm lost in the mystery to You my future is a memory..."

This is where I found myself five years ago. I was completely lost in the unknown, in trying to figure out what was going to happen next, in what my next move should be. 

To back up several months to the Spring of 2006, I was in my second long-term subbing assignment of the year in 6th grade ELA. I spent most of that school year in that particular middle school, getting to know the other teachers and the administration, learning more about how things worked in that school and the district. I remember thinking, several times, this is it...this is what God has arranged to get me a job here. 

In an effort to save money the district implemented an early retirement buyout that year, confirming again in my mind that this was what God had in store. Everyday, I would watch the latest job postings knowing that my dream job was going to appear. I think out of the forty openings that were eventually posted there was one Social Studies position and it never made it out of the internal listings. 

I was disappointed and frustrated, but not only by the opening that never appeared, and I wasn't the only one feeling that way. It was the first year for that middle school, a brand-new building consolidating two older middle schools in the city, and a brand-new principal. She imposed a lot of crazy policies that year and stepped on a lot of toes. As a sub I was shielded from much of what was going on, but I still remember the day I was mad enough to go back to the classroom, log-in to the site I was using to look for jobs, and send my resume to every posting I could find across the country because I never wanted to work for that lady again.  

Not much time went by before I received a reply thanking me for my interest and explaining what I needed to do to become certified to teach in South Carolina. That Human Resources department was very helpful, they answered any questions I had and I probably would have never completed the process for South Carolina certification without them. Unfortunately, their openings were filled before the process was complete...and before I could figure out if it was pronounced "Beau-as in beautiful-fort" or "Beau-as in the old word for boyfriend-fort."

It was this experience that caused me to recognize what an amazing thing the providential nature of God truly is. A recent Bible study described it this way... "Our word providence is made up of two Latin words, pro and video, and carries the meaning 'to see beforehand and provide what is needed.'" At the time, I was disappointed that I didn't get the job in Massillon or the one in Beaufort, looking back I realize that both experiences were necessary for me to be where I am today, but I'm grateful that God was looking ahead and providing what I didn't know I needed.

I remember the day I was thinking about all the time I spend in Beaufort and wondering why God didn't want that job for me because it just seemed like it would make things simpler. It was with a jolt I realized that moving straight to Beaufort would mean no time in Allendale....no time in Allendale would mean never meeting Michelle and Ray and the kids who have become like family....not meeting them would mean not being introduced to CBC because even though it is in Beaufort I would have never gone there on my own.

In the Spring of 2006, I had no way of knowing what all was in store. And now, in the Fall of 2011, my memories serve to remind me that whatever lies ahead, if God is the One with the pen, I have no need fear the mystery of my story.

Already There

After my last post, discovering this song this week certainly seems like Providence at work...

I love Casting Crowns.

From where I’m standing

Lord, it’s so hard for me to see

Where this is going

And where You’re leading me

I wish I knew how

All my fears and all my questions

Are going to play out

In a world I can’t control

When I’m lost in the mystery

To You my future is a memory

‘Cause You’re already there

You’re already there

Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You’re already there

You’re already there

From where You’re standing

Lord, You see a grand design

That You imagined

When You breathed me into life

And all the chaos

Comes together in Your hands

Like a masterpiece

Of Your picture-perfect plan

When I’m lost in the mystery

To You my future is a memory

One day I’ll stand before You

And look back on the life I've lived

I can’t wait to enjoy the view

And see how all the pieces fit

One day I’ll stand before You

And look back on the life I've lived

‘Cause You’re already there

You’re already there

When I’m lost in the mystery

To You my future is a memory

‘Cause You’re already there

You’re already there

Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You’re already there

A Shaky Sparrow

I could never get a tattoo, my aversion to needles has seen to that. But if I could I know what it should be... Matthew 6:34, in reverse on my forehead so I could see it clearly every time I looked in the mirror...

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. 

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I love to plan things. Working out schedules and strategies truly makes me happy (pathetically sad, I know, but true nonetheless). I let myself get fooled into thinking that the more I plan something the better guaranteed I am that everything will go perfectly. 

Part of this I blame on my job. As an educator you are told the better planned your lessons are the better your chance of success, which is true...to a point. 

It is also my job as an educator that should remind me how futile plans can sometimes be. It doesn't matter how many hours you spend perfecting an incredible plan when one misplaced comment by you (or a student) can derail the entire thing. 

Now before some of you start worrying, I haven't had some major plan fall apart, I just find myself once again wondering how some things are going to work out and being so tempted to come up with my own plan. 

I really should know better. Most of the biggest mistakes in my life were things where I let myself get too caught up in my plan. Most of the best things in my life were things where I had no plan at all....

I never planned to go to Malone for my education, but I'm grateful I did.

I never planned to get a Master's degree in American History, but I'm glad I [almost] have.

I never planned to move to South Carolina.

I never planned to work at Allendale or Carver.

I never planned to find CBC.

I never planned to meet some of the amazing people I have met over the last five years.

In fact most of my plans would have kept God's plans from ever happening. 

So this morning I needed the reminder not to worry and to take my own advice on being still before the Lord. And maybe instead of getting a tattoo on my forehead, I should get one on my heart instead.

Pencil Box Memories

One of my last days home over the summer, my Grandpa wanted to go
through the things in his workshop. So, they packed him up and took
him home for the afternoon. When he found this box of pencils and things
 he thought maybe I could use it at school.

A common activity in history classrooms is to give students a bunch of
"stuff" and have them try to figure out what it all means...who did it
belong to, what time period is it from, what was it used for...

So if you knew my Grandpa you wouldn't be surprised that there were
several carpenter's pencils.

A fitting reminder of the "old life" that he exchanged for the eternal.

If the layer of sawdust covering the contents didn't clue you in to the
fact that he like to build, this might.

He loved going to auctions. My mom said that he could tell her almost
everything he bought at every auction he had ever been to...and
that would be quite a few. He was great at finding hidden treasures.

For builders who like to color? =) 

My senior year of high school  my Grandma was in a very serious
car accident and spent a long time in Edwin Shaw.

I think there is a specific genetic marker in the DNA of people
from West Virginia because it is definitely in their blood.

I'm trying not to worry that the FBI is going to come after me....
but I'd love to know how he got these.

Are we sensing a pattern, yet?

Uh oh, there's another one.

He had lost so much weight that none of his pants fit him anymore.
One day, I was teasing him that at the school we would put zip ties
on the pants of boys who wore them too loose.
One of the first things they did when he got to his workshop that day
was to put a zip tie on his pants to hold them up.

This one was bittersweet.

I wonder what the statute of limitations is on stolen pencils....

The Angels by My Side...

When I left my house yesterday I just turned on my mp3 player and let it play the whole way home. Most of the time I didn't even know what was playing, but occasionally there would be a song I would find myself singing along with, sometimes crying along with. When this song came on I didn't remember ever hearing it before even though I downloaded the album months ago.

I want to thank all of you who have been an angel by my side over the last day, the last week, and the last six months. Your kindness can never be repaid, but will never be forgotten!