Before the Morning

Some of you may be familiar with this song by Josh Wilson. I've always liked it. I have a copy of it and I've listened to it frequently...but I hadn't listened to it recently.

Do you wonder why you have to,

feel the things that hurt you,

if there's a God who loves you,

where is He now?

I listened to it last night because it was requested by the 15 (all too soon will be 16) year old girl riding in my backseat. When she started singing along, I started listening to the words with fresh ears.

Maybe, there are things you can't see

and all those things are happening

to bring a better ending

some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Then I had to fight to keep from crying in front of the three girls sitting next to me. 

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

Because this 15 (all too soon will be 16) year old girl found out Wednesday that her mom has cancer. 

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

Her mom just happens to be my best friend...the closest thing to a sister I've ever had. My world has been shaken...and I'm a lot older than 15 (or even 16), let alone 7 and 9 (all too soon will be 10) like her brothers.

My friend, you know how this all ends

and you know where you're going,

you just don't know how you get there

so just say a prayer.

and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,

life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,

but you'll see the bigger picture

I'm struggling to see the bigger picture (although, my focus has definitely expanded from what I thought my troubles were). 

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

But you know who keeps reminding me of that bigger picture...my friend. The one who, of anyone, should have the right to be questioning or upset.

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the dark before the morning

yeah, yeah,

before the morning,

yeah, yeah

We don't know where things stand right now.

Once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory

memory, memory, yeah

There is pain, physical and emotional, felt by many.

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

But the one suffering the most is the one reminding us that if God is choosing to use her through this, who is she to say no.

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming

Cancer will never be a cause for celebration, but God's faithfulness and glory always will. 

com'n, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight

because the pain you've been feeling,

it's just the hurt before the healing

the pain you've been feeling,

just the dark before the morning

before the morning, yeah, yeah

before the morning

This is the dark...morning is coming.

Happy Grandparent's Day

It was a year ago, September 9, 2011, that my principal walked through the door of my classroom. The way she said my name I just knew...knew the day I had been dreading had finally arrived. She brought a couple of my co-workers with her and together they let me know that my Grandpa's fight was finally over. 

It is fitting that Grandparent's Day marks the one year anniversary of his death because he truly was the best Grandpa a girl could ever want.

http://meheinz.blogspot.com/2010/01/man-in-my-life.html
http://meheinz.blogspot.com/2010/02/thoughts-of-hate-on-valentines-day.html
http://meheinz.blogspot.com/2011/04/afraid-to-go-home.html
http://meheinz.blogspot.com/2011/09/pencil-box-memories.html

Not Quite Perfect

Depending on how well you know me, you may, or may not, already be aware that I am a perfectionist.

Most people equate perfectionism with its close cousin, OCD. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of those tendencies...just ask my mother. I don't know how many times I was told, "Maryann, you don't have to alphabetize the dishes, just put them in the water and wash them." She still won't let me near her spice cupboard or canned goods and she cringes every time I help put away groceries for fear I'll completely rearrange her pantry.

What most people don't recognize is the "frustrated" perfectionist, the I-don't-know-if-I-can-do-it-the-way-it's-supposed-to-be-done-so-I-won't-do-it-all side of perfectionism. I am well acquainted with these tendencies, as well. That's why I may post a picture of my freshly organized classroom from August on Facebook, but you'll never find a picture from December with the towers of paper I've been too overwhelmed to find a home for.

The problem with perfectionism is just that...you expect life to be perfect. There should be a plan or procedure in place for every problem that could possibly arise. Every difficulty should have a solution. Every obstacle an easy out. And why doesn't it work that way? Well, because...

...life's not quite perfect. In fact, sometimes, life isn't even quite good. A lot of the time, life is downright hard.

I struggle with those times. I want to sit down and map out a plan and find the best answer and expect everyone to follow along....but life doesn't work that way. In those times, when I realize my plans won't work, I have to fight my desire to give up. I have to remind myself that things don't have to be perfect to be worth having.

I have to remind myself that God doesn't call me to be perfect or to have a perfect life (in fact, thinking that is even possible undermines the awesomeness of His sacrificial grace), but He does call me to be perfectly content....

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.  I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. ~Philippians 4:11-13

...My lack of perfection should not be a source of frustration, but instead an opportunity to marvel in the all-surpassing power of God to take my brokenness and use it for His honor and glory.

Rejoice in the Lord

I can never read Job 23 without this song coming to mind...a byproduct of being raised on "Patch, the Pirate," I'm sure...so I have been expecting its appearance as I have been making my way through Job's story. 

"But He knows the way I take; when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold." ~ Job 23:10

After years of Sunday School and VBS and church camp, this verse and song are imprinted on my memory. But this morning they were given a fresh perspective. You see, I've been having a lot of conversations about trials lately...

God never moves without purpose or plan

Trials that would have me doubting God's purpose... 

When trying His servant and molding a man.

Trials that would have made me want to fight God's molding hand...

Give thanks to the LORD though your testing seems long;

Trials that would have left me more tempted to complain than to give thanks...

In darkness He giveth a song.

Trials that would have left me more focused on the darkness than a song.

I could not see through the shadows ahead;

I am grateful that God puts people in our lives...

So I looked at the cross of my Savior instead.

Who continually point us back to the cross of His Son.

I bowed to the will of the Master that day;

People who show me what a life submitted to the Master looks like.

Then peace came and tears fled away.

People more focused on the peace from above than the pain of the past.

Now I can see testing comes from above;

I am grateful for the reminder that God sends temporary trials...

God strengthens His children and purges in love.

For our permanent good.

My Father knows best, and I trust in His care;

I am grateful for the reminder that I serve a God who always has my best interest at heart...

Through purging more fruit I will bear.

Even if it is accomplished through the pain of His fire.

O Rejoice in the LORD

May I never forget to rejoice in all circumstances.

He makes no mistake,

May I always remember that when things don't go my way, God is not the one making a mistake...

He knoweth the end of each path that I take,

When I don't know what lies ahead, God does...

For when I am tried

That we are promised trials will come...

And purified,

But God will use them for our sanctification, if we allow Him to...

I shall come forth as gold

And then, finally, we will be a vessel fit for the Master's use.